Oh, you’re pregnant?
Really? With twins? And you just won the lottery and are moving to Costa Rica?
What’s that? April Fools? Oh yeah? Well f*** you!
For full effect,
download “Take A Walk” by Passion Pit and play at maximum volume throughout the
duration of this post.
I would like to
issue a formal apology to my Grandmother, my little sisters, and any future
employers who feel offended by my use of the letter F and three asterisks for
dramatic effect, but I felt it appropriate to show you how angry I turn when
the rest of the world uses a Pagan holiday as an excuse to lie about events
that we all know are false.
That includes you
Scott Bingham, you selfless bastard.
Here are just a few
of the examples I collected while rolling my eyes in bed last night scrolling
down my waste of a social media connection.
Jane Does #1-318:
“Can you believe it guys, we’re expecting a baby! I think today’s the day to
finally break the news to everyone!”
You’re having a
baby? Didn’t see that one coming. Why don’t you use the oldest and most
overrated gag in the history of this holiday as an excuse to get more people to
like your status? I think the correct verbiage should read, “Can you believe it
guys, we are not an original couple! I think today’s the day to finally break
the news that I have a really low self-esteem!”
Jane Does #319-589:
“OMG everyone, … and I have finally agreed to tie the knot. We’re getting
married!”
Now I haven’t heard
that one before. I can see you either used this to trick your social media
circles into thinking you are comfortable going to sleep alone every single
night, or you are trying to spark some sort of jealousy with an ex. Either way,
when your name gets put on the registry at Bed Bath and Beyond next fall I’m
going to go ahead and purchase a heaping pile of cow sh** to be shipped to your
front door you unoriginal buffoons.
By the way, thank
you asterisk for letting me swear publicly on my blog.
John/Jane Does
#590-715: “Did you see Jabari Parker can serve a full-time mission in whatever
city he gets drafted to?” “Hey guys, have you seen the new MTC application you
need to fill out in order to serve a mission?” “Hey check out this real,
authentic pic of Snoop Dogg holding a Book of Mormon.”
Statements like
these make me embarrassed to claim the LDS faith as my own. Of course I saw
that “press release” letting Jabari serve a mission in Milwaukee. That makes
perfect sense after he finishes a triple-OT thriller on Sunday afternoon to
change into a suit and go tracting. How ignorant do you think I am? Snoop Dogg
turning to religion? This guy is the mascot for the movie Half Baked, you think
he’s turning his life to the big man upstairs? Come on people, you’re making
our culture look pathetic.
Scott Bingham: “I have decided cycling is not my thing! I am
selling my bike for $750. I paid $2,600 for it and recently put $900 wheels on
it! Killer deal! Message me…”
You sonofabeech! You know what Scott
Bingham, I got all excited about new wheels, and you ruined that, you selfish
prick! THIS IS WHY PEOPLE FROM ROY DON’T TALK TO EACH OTHER OUTSIDE OF TEN YEAR
REUNIONS WHERE WE ALL GET DRUNK! Thanks for destroying my hopes of an upgrade.
I hope Karma comes out of nowhere and hits you with a VW bug on your next ride.
That’s right, A VW bug!
Screw this holiday. Screw social media.
Screw your malicious pranks, and screw you Scott Bingham.
Yeah…said that.
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